The tower of Babel - division of language - why?

it's funny...all these bible thumpers in here and not one of them has it right. the people wanted to be CLOSER to god so they thought if they built a tower to heaven, they could hang out with him. but you see, god did not WANT humans hanging out with him in heaven because god is a totalitarian and simply wants to **** with his creation in the worst way. so he "tered" their language to confound them so that they could no longer communicate with each other and this is what would stop them from getting to him. i know, i know...the story doesn't make sense even if taken at face value, let alone as metaphor, but that's the truth ruth, take it or leave it.